Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!

my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.

If Amazon had a dating app:

You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in

Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

My mother had eight kids. She didn’t have time to cut our ham sandwiches in quarters. We just went to school with a bag of wheat and a live pig and figured it out.

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]

I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

Me: Do you like my jeans?

Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉

Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?

Her: ….

My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.

[Sitting down at a restaurant]

Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*