“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
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Saturday
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
consequences, the bane of my existence
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]