Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
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Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I unironically love this joke.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose