Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
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VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Isn’t
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
The Others (2001)
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU