Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*

Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

You’re not my real can

The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them

[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

Him: I’m an dog person

Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?

At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

“Nevertheless”

~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking

there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.

Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.

Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?

Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?