Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.

*sees a talking Batman cup*

Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

A haiku about getting the kids up for school:

Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus

I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

*bangs gavel*

wife: who???

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.

WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?

The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.