Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

But that’s none of my business

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*

Imperial officer: What’s the password?

Han: It’s “password.”

Vader: We should really change that.

[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

[ explaining The Plan ]

jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs

god: look man, these ppl are idiots

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg

Hitman: This is a photo of you

Me: My wife wants me to try zumba

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.

If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

prisoner 1: what are you in for?

prisoner 2: murder

prisoner 3: arson

hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.