Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
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So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.