Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
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I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Who did it better?
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite