Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration

When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people

“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out

My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you

Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!

Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?

it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity

Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here

Satan: wait no

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.

gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick