Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
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bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.