Happy birthday to all the women
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My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean