Happy birthday to all the women
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Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.