Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.

Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Me: *lies down to sleep*

Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.

[runs into old friend]

FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.

7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead

All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?

My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro

Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄

Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit

I’d … I’d rather not.

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.