Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.

I’m a perfektionist, this is expozure therappy

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

Don’t make me out nice you.

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”

– Midnight, a church friend

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.

Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this

Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry

Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE

[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?

I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.

Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe

AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?

[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over

Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?

Son: No.

Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.