happy birthday to me. i am 25.
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My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
weaknesses
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
oh u like history? name everything that happened
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
