Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash

#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

😂🐾

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*

Me: That’s not a toy.

9: I know. It’s a weapon.

The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [decides to vacuum house]

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

Once again not all heroes wear capes

The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.

‘We both know you need to pee:’

~the monster under my bed

me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death

doctor: you have a sprained ankle

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?

Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.

grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there

What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?

I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.

The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.