Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.

Time heals everything 🙂

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:

Get in the van!

me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!

*jogs after van*

me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case

Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

Hank is one in a melon.

*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.

Did you even think about that??