Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
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COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
plant them where lol
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell