Happy Caturday!
You Might Also Like
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*
My husband: why are you taking notes
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Shopping for a toaster yesterday I came across this review.
“Easy to use instructions.”
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
man i love columbo
If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*