Happy Caturday!
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Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
CRYING
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
inside you are two wolves
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas