COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
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Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.