Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
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My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!