Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage

*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO

Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people

Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time

I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir

“you recording!?”

When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.

Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane

One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.

Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed

KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.

Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

My parents just called.

M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.

ME: You should watch it from the beginning?

M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.

ME: Okay.

M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.