Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

😆

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

God: But if you use your sting you will die.

Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?

God: Err…

*At the couch store

“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”

do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.

I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.

Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here

Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.

Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.

Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.

Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too