Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
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After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry CavillAnd, no, it’s not a chowder class.