Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
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Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.