Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
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Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Breaking news:
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”