Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back

Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?

J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg

There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….

now tell me, Are you one of Them?

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

What do we want?

A CURE FOR PARANOIA

When do we want it?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW

Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.

Me: ok cool.

~6 mos later~

Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?

Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.

Ghost: [quietly sobs]

When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs

Covid like

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya