Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”

Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”

Cop: …

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.

The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

#1PUN

*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”

Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”

He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

[family thanksgiving in 2020]

HER: hey the turkey is still frozen

ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in