Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”

passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.

Urine for a real treat today.

-Toilets

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

7: mom look I got my math test back!

me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!

7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?

me: …like I said, said proud…

God: But if you use your sting you will die.

Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?

God: Err…

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.

Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.

HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please

I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”

Her: Says who?

Me: Sesame

I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…

‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born

Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?

Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

[Having a tea party]

Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*

Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.