Happy Febuary everyone!
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I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Nice try Hitler
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….
thank god
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!