Happy Febuary everyone!
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I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly