Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming

Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.

I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.

Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me

Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word

self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”

Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.

Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.

Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

me: let’s circle back around and touch base

baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.

Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…

*on hold for over an hour

That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.

😭😭😭

Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel

Toothpick use time frames:

30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it

60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth

90 seconds – Things are getting weird

120 seconds – Sexual predator

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna