Happy Febuary everyone!
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BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Ain’t no way
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
So sorry
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*