happy friday
You Might Also Like
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
who’s gonna tell her?
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan