Happy Friday
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(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
True
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.