Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.

Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”

And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald

Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…

This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already

Normalize arguing with plants who refuse to stay alive.

Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!

I’m listening

Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet

VERIZON: How’d you get it wet

ME: I talked dirty to it

HIM: ……

ME: Water asshole. How else?

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden