happy halloween
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I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Tuesday
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?