happy halloween
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Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
when a toddler tells a story
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.