happy halloween
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Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month