Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

Well, that didn’t work.

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

every raccoon you see is currently on parole

when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

doctor: and are u sexually active

puppet: he is not

doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth

me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.

Bae: Come over

Me: Do you have food??

Bae: My parents aren’t home

Me: Are they coming back with food??

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?

cause of death:
autopsy.

If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”

Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”