Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.

“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?

saw this in a dream

The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.

A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.

You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.

Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

Sorry I made promises on Friday

Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

[murderer hunting me in the forest]

me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*

Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey

Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!

ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]

[later]

GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious

You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs

Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.