Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?

kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up

me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio

10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs

My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.

If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.

– dads at kids’ basketball games

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Quiz host: Your topic is music

Me: Yes!!

Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad

Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

I self medicate, therefore you live.

A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.