Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
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Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day