Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
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Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?