Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
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Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water