happy halloween
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Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.