[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
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I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
*pronounces woah like Noah*
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Who does Amazon think I am?
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”