Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”

My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home

If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

wtf is a larm clock?

You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams

mission: save the cat

obstacles: the cat