OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
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My husband suffers in silence louder than any person I know
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
No strings attached relationships are all fun and games until you fall for a guitar. Or a marionette. Or a yo-yo.
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?
Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*