@jjhartinger

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

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@ddsmidt

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

@Lanecat2

My husband suffers in silence louder than any person I know

@MarfSalvador

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

@Tups13

No strings attached relationships are all fun and games until you fall for a guitar. Or a marionette. Or a yo-yo.

@thatdutchperson

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

@LlamaInaTux

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

@disco_bird

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

@thedad

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*