[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
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I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
shut up and take my money
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Here’s a meme