Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
You Might Also Like
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”