Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
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Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”