Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I do not negotiate with little kids”

My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted

“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park

Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon

when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market

One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

Them: Is your cat friendly?

My Cat: What kind of a fucking question is that?

Me: No

Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

Her: Explain Twitter to me

Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?

H: Yes

Me: Much the same, just less compassion

“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok

Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”

“I’ll be back!”

-boomerangs

-and herpes

Mapping America’s Far Right

temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now

a dragon: i see