Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
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Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
I’m just playing devils avocado here
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.