Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
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police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.