Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
You Might Also Like
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?