Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
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Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Meanwhile in Portland…
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.