Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
You Might Also Like
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?