happy mother’s day❤️
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?