happy mother’s day❤️
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Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me