Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].

Wife: omg he just took his first steps!

Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.

Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.

cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79

*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*

Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.

We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment

Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.

man: hey do you take walk-ins

cremator: excuse me what

in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.

Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.

My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.