Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
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doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
This is so wrong 😂
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.