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11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon