Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
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Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Eating for two.
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit