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I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
In case you needed to hear it:
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
me when somebody idk start touching me
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me