Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
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“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is