Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
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Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?