Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
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Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
tfw you’re yelling at the tv and the contestant finally comes up with the same answer as you’ve been yelling, and it’s wrong.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure this Santa shaped chocolate oughta settle my stomach
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.