Happy #NationalPoetryDay đ
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What do I want to do to your body? I donât know. Identify it, I guess.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Victoriaâs Secret supermodels arenât as impressive if you add shopping bags
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you wonât get mad
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]âŚUnconventional.
guy at seaworld: âitâs a cross between an eel and a shark, weâre asking everyone to pick a name for himâ
wife: âsteveâ
me: âsharkeel oânealâ
Me: Hello?
Satan: Iâd like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I donât know how to read this
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, itâs on.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
Itâs so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from policeâŚunder a blanket
Apparently my kids think, âBe quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,â actually means, âHost a rave in the hallway.â
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think youâre doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Establish dominance by shaking your spouseâs hand when they go in for a kiss.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
When you did see a few red flags but youâre sure you can change him
Oh, I see. âAdam and Steveâ is gay, but âAdam dates his own ribâ is perfectly acceptable.
Her: âMen are creepy!â
Me, from inside of the closet:
âYes, we are.â
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like âare you getting this for school or work?â and i panicked and said âfor funâ
Donât let anyone tell you who you are unless youâre concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
âOut of sight, out of mindâ doesnât work for donuts.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We canât beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Fetty Wapâs full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
kinda fun if literal: earwigs