Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]

Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.

[many decades later]

Me: Oh no.

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”

THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem

My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all

In New England, we only have two seasons:

1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”

“That’s only for narcs.”

“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”

If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

what does he know…

A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.

“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist