Happy #NationalPoetryDay 馃檪
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My wife hasn鈥檛 touched me since the election. She took Gore鈥檚 loss pretty hard.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I鈥檓 smuggling a baseball
God: you鈥檙e a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you鈥檙e the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you鈥檙e in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don鈥檛 worry be Capy : )
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Worst perfume name ever.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn鈥檛 quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That鈥檚 not how it鈥檒l read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it鈥檚 not your wife and you鈥檙e at the Waffle House drunk again.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Finally, an explanation.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There鈥檚 a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
IT: I鈥檓 hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl