Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
You Might Also Like
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶