Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
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Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
☠️☠️☠️
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.