Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
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My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
When you kidnap a writer.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle