Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
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Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Breaking news:
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”