HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2026 will be my year!!!
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Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Just got to our Airbnb!
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend