HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2026 will be my year!!!
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[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.