HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
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My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
🙂🙃🥹
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.