Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

No one can handle that

I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.

People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me

The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

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I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me

*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business

I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair

neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?