Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?

My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.

I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

[job interview]

“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”

Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?

The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*