Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
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Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos
Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”