Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
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The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Which wines pair best with gloating?
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best